I never felt alone
Our little miracle arrived May 30. She was a 28-week 6-day preemie. She was 2 pounds 4 ounces and 14 1/4 inches long. She was a little peanut with a warrior spirit. Many said she didn’t act like a preemie and we weren’t going to tell her otherwise. Our stay lasted 67 days. It was a journey that brought strength, faith, and love to new levels in our home! The NICU journey is a hard journey; one with many trials and scares.
To see my littlest love laying in an incubator with cords, monitors, wires, a pic line in her thigh, feeding tubes, a CPAP machine and rescue equipment on the wall was so painful to my heart. While cuddling, her breathing would become shallow and her heart rate would dip sending nurses running to our aid to assure her safety and life. It was very easy to slip into fear. Beeps and alarms surrounding her knowing my arms couldn't comfort her in times of fear since she couldn't be at home and I couldn't stay with her. Then a cousin of mine sent me a sweet blurb from the movie "Rugrats". It went like this: "I remember the first time I saw my mom. I think I was in a fish tank or something. It seemed like nobody knowed I was in there and it was really scary. Then my mom came. I don't even think I even knowed she was my mom then, but when she held my hand I didn't feel scared no more. As long as I was there, she never let go."
My touch, my voice, my very presence in her room I could just feel the comfort it brought to her. I'd walk through the door, open Jordan's incubator, I'd lightly touch her warm body and say "hi my love, momma is here" and she would smile. She knew I was there. She could hear, feel and sense me. Care time was my favorite because I got to do all the things I would have done at home and then we moved to "kangaroo time". Holding my baby skin to skin brought bonding and healing like none other. From delivery to NICU graduate and home there were moments of fear, happiness, worry, blame, joy, peace, anxiousness, sadness, abandonment and love. Emotions will come, sometimes you don’t even know how to express yourself. I was blessed to be able to be with Jordan every single day all day.
Leaving at night was the hardest part. I remember pacing between her door and bed in tears not wanting to leave her side. However, the loving hands of the NICU nurses, aids, liaisons and doctors reassured me every day with loving hands and words. Through every emotion, tear and long distance drives between home and hospital the nurses and doctors took time to maintain connection and communication. I never felt alone. The NICU became family. It was important for me to get out and continue to find moments of peace as a human and adult. Yes, I felt guilty for being gone but once I set my heart to believe the best, knowing our nurses would tend to her cry and hold her close when I wasn't there was a blessing I can't be more thankful for. I didn't leave often but the nurses and doctors provided such and loving and caring atmosphere it made the burden of leaving a little lighter and assured I maintained the best health and mental clarity so my baby could feel peace as she grew in an environment separate from our home.
