We’re not meant to go through these things alone

I had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes several years before my pregnancy.  I managed to control my blood sugars fairly well until the last trimester of my pregnancy, when it just seemed like I couldn’t get any control. It was no surprise that after laboring for 15 hours, I was taken into surgery. It was also no surprise that after delivering my sweet boy that he was whisked off to the NICU. I didn’t really know what I was up against.

I realize now that having a baby born with low blood sugars didn’t mean that they’d just give him some glucose and he’d be on his way.  It meant much more than that. He wouldn’t want to eat. My dream of breastfeeding went straight out the window. As if that wasn’t devastating enough, he also had a very bad meconium infection, possibly also caused by my uncontrolled blood sugars. Now I was a new mom, my hormones were crashing.  I felt horrible guilt because I was watching my newborn baby getting poked and prodded. He was hooked to tube after tube, being fed a steady supply of glucose to keep him from crashing. I felt like this was my fault. I felt like I was being judged because I had put my child in this position. I was not like the other NICU mothers. (The mothers of the preemies, because I had convinced myself that preemie babies were the only babies in the NICU except for my sweet baby boy.)

My heart broke into a million pieces the day I was discharged and I had to leave my newborn at the hospital. I was sure that by the time I brought him home, he would likely be in kindergarten and all the careful planning I spent picking the perfect nursery theme would be wasted. My husband was extremely supportive. He was always filling out all the milestone paperwork. He pushed me to go to the group get-togethers with the other NICU families. But I pretty much refused to engage because I was so stuck inside my own head. We eventually did get to take our child home.

Our NICU stay was fairly short -16 days in all. Now when I look back, it is such a small time frame. Barely a blip in my now four year old’s time here. But to us, while we were in the thick of it, it was agonizing and it felt like a lifetime.  I know there is someone reading this that can relate. You might even share a lot of the same feelings I had. Relax, it won’t last forever. I know you’re exhausted. I know you’re grieving the vision you had for your child’s birth. I know you’re emotional. It’s perfectly okay to be all those things. Let the nurses help you. Talk to the other NICU parents. We’re not meant to go through these things alone. This season will be short. You will get to take your baby home soon.